I'm a LESBIAN.
(After edit: slapping a date on here because this did not go where I anticipated: 11/06/18)
Now that we've cleared that,
I'm a disenchanted almost-20-year-old trying to find their way through this bitch of a world. The future scares me.
But I am starting to map out my own talents and figure out what I want to do. I have a lot of dreams, drenched in dreamy idealism for the sake of my own sanity.
People tell me I'm a decent writer. Okay, no, they tell me I'm a good, great writer, beautiful, elegant, they spill out— I think I'm just decent. I sure only feel decent when I'm sitting and staring at a handful of scraggly sentences and a blinking cursor hating every minute of it. But I can put out something decent sometimes. I wish I could do it more often. I'm at such a crossroads with my writing, a stagnant, rotting crossroads. I have lots of ideas, sure. Plenty. I could, and have, write (or rather, type) whirling spiral and spirals of universes and characters and phenomena into existence.
But who has the damn time to be a creator when I've got allll this other shit I want to do? Not me. I work on my fanfics every night, which I'm never satisfied with and always end up abandoning to cringey disappointment, and in the latest and last creative writing class I'm taking everyone that counts loves my works. But for what? Where does that fit into this increasingly complex jigsaw mess that I'm trying to mold my life into? It seems more that writing fits in those obscured cracks. And that makes me quite sad, because despite all the ranting I do, writing is very, very important to me. I love my characters. I love my universes, so much more than the one I'm living in. But writing doesn't pay off. Not in any way but internally, and that's just wasteful as far as the world's concerned. It's not, but it doesn't pay off, so I can't spend a lot of time on it. I wish I would do more. Maybe I'm the wasteful one here. The thought scares me to death.
And then there's coding. (There's a lot of shit, hold on to your horses) Honestly by this point, it's becoming a bit more of side thing. Now, I love coding, especially HTML and CSS— here I am at 2am rapidly typing my feelings out into my own site on an obscure website-hosting site, after deleting a years worth of Gmail and seeing the email confirmation for GeoCities. But again, again, just with writing, now that I say something like "I'm not as interested in coding anymore", my heart is tensing with anxiety. Apparently I'm terrified of my own wasted talent. Something to write down maybe, sounds like a deep, internal revelation of some sorts. I don't want to let any of myself go. I'm always terrified of not being enough and being inadequate through my own faults. Is that what I needed to hear, me?
Anyway, well maybe I'm a little disengaged from coding right now just with how my interests have shifted and my current classes. See, that sounds much nicer and less chest-squeezing inducing. I know there's a lot of shit I need to learn. Learning? In this economy? A necessity no one has time for. I definitely want to learn Python for VFX (we'll get to that later) and I really need to learn how to javascript, but that's definitely a work in progress. Maybe with all the shitty freshman courses I'm taking next semester I'll have time to get down on that. Also I don't know how databases work and it really, really frustrates me. Forms? Databases? College actually teach me please? I know I shouldn't, but I really hate the c++ class I'm currently taking. Thank god it's almost over. In my defense, the labs and TA have been incredibly dense and unenjoyable. I feel like I'm failing to grasp certain core concepts and I can afford to point the blame on the professor. I like coding. I actually used to kind of like c++, when it was taught right. This class has sucked.
Got a bit off topic again, but here's my point about my relation to coding: I go on a lot, to family and peers, "Well, I'm really looking into VFX as a career now, I think I'll do web design more as an aside, freelance work sort of thing. Well here's a secret for whatever poor soul somehow finds themself on this webpage: I'm making shit up at that point. Is it actually realistic to do freelance work like that for me? Should I look into being a webmaster or some shit anyway? I have no idea. I have no idea how that career works. All I know is that right now I could not do small-scale freelance work because I don't know how fucking databases and